Jimmy loves Nannerpus

I know what your thinking.  And the answer is no.  You cannot substitute your own feces in place of the elephants.   I mean you can, of course you are free to do whatever you want, and if that means spending a lazy sunday with a saucepan of your own boiling feces, hey knock yourself out.  But just don’t think you can spread it out over that free burlap sac you got last year at the harvest festival and make some beautiful paper products.  Because it doesn’t work too well.  Also don’t think you will ever get that smell out of your kitchen.  Ugh.  That is the last fucking time I surf the web tweeked out on mini-thins.

Anyway, this whole concept excites me beyond belief.  No, not making paper out of my own fecal matter, but of elephants and pandas.  Watch.

For those of you too lazy to watch a 7 min video on the finer art of boiling shit, let me break it down for you.  Take some shit, preferably elephant, but in a pinch panda will do.  Boil it with hydrogen peroxide, which as we all well know is the only thing stronger than a tampon the school nurse is able to administer.  Seriously, what was the point?  Has anyone ever said, well, if it wasn’t for the school nurse, Billy would be carrying a colostomy bag  to school right now instead of a book bag.  No.  Because clearly the whole point of the bowel is to hold your feces for you.  So you don’t have to.  Being forced to carry your own bag of feces around is not just embarrassing, it’s inefficent.   I mean if we can invent the maya wrap to keep from holding babies surely there is….nevermind.

The point is that you boil the feces with the peroxide until, I guess its done?  I mean from the looks of the facility I can’t say it matters.  They are making this stuff in converted barn, so whatever, these are not city elephants, their shit is clean.  After the boiling, you take the dung, weigh it out into the proper size ball, and then spread it out over a screen and let it dry.

The results are amazing.  I say this as the proud owner of not one, but two elephant dung paper products.  And the best part, it is dirt cheap.  Seriously, folks it is April and you could have your entire Christmas shopping list done by weeks end.  Just go here and take a look at all the pretty things you can buy.

Like:

I like the fact it comes with a pencil. But not one that you can use, a tiny stub of a pencil, like the kind they give you at the dog track. With no eraser. Thanks guys. Next time I forget my keno crayon I'll remember this.

And this:

For when simply telling someone, "hey you're a piece of shit" isn't enough, now you can cover their entire face in it and hang it on your wall. Perfect for Valentine's Day.

And of course this:

Wow, remember phone books? I mean the kind your mom use to keep in the kitchen? The one that was last updated in the early 80's and will never give you anything close the right number? Yeah, I miss mine too. Stupid Blackberries.

Now you may think that the fun stops here.  That I have effectively beaten this joke into the earth and that no more good will come of reading this post.  And while you may be right, you also may be horribly, horribly wrong.  Because what is better than merely producing thousands of reams of 100 percent hydroponically grown elephant dung paper?  What about making those same elephants then finger paint on their own feces paper?  Oh yes, watch the genius:

And the best part, they are selling these works of art for $200 on up.

This one’s on my Amazon wishlist, if your reading this Santa:
 

So you think you are better than an elephant? Would anybody pay you $200 for a piece of your feces smeared in watercolors? Exactly. Point dog.

But all this elephant dung paper and art aside, that is not actually what has got me all hot and bothered.  No, far from it.  What really excites me is that this means we are one step closer to my dream come true.  A Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome world where a leather clad Tina Turner screams at me that we don’t need another hero, all we need is some more pig shit.   And I know what your thinking.  You’re thinking, god damn that was a good song, I should go get that soundtrack.  Well, don’t bother getting it at the store, cause it is out of production and copies are going for $100 at Amazon, link here

Apparently they are now making a Mad Max 4....anime version. Because the Japanese just stopped giving a fuck after about 1945.

So yes, the point of this long winded post is simply that dung paper today, dung fuel tomorrow, global warming today, Tina Turner with a blonde wig and an alcholic anti-semite tomorrow.  And you said you didn’t want to have any kids.

Of course the best part of the Mad Max trilogy wasn’t Max, or even Tina.  No, it was the poor pig killer who gets treated like a common criminal when really, let’s face it, we all would have done the same thing.  Hell, I’d kill a pig right now if work said I could wear jeans tomorrow.  So you know, he killed a pig.  Big flipping deal.  Bernie Madoff destroyed Kevin Bacon, he doesn’t have to walk around with this on his chest, does he?

Bacon killer is more like it.

‘Nuff said